本来不想把自己的blog弄成一个转贴场所，不过看到的这篇太好笑了，实在忍不住要喷，一定要跟大家分享分享。
那个BF，真是培养得有够出色的，
BT生活录
首先得说下我们的学校，这个……校情比较特殊，因为我们是个有着悠久历史的偏理工科的大学，所以男女比例是严重滴不平衡。虽然早几年扬言要建立“综合性大学”，但直到偶入学的时候，还是男：女＝6：1……=_=||||
所以可想而知，女生是贵比黄金，男生是贱如粪土。(甚至校规都明文规定“不得调戏、侮辱女同学”——而没有说不得调戏、侮辱男同学……|||||)在这种情况下，但凡长得五官没丢哪样的女人就有人要，而且由于大一到大三是在荒山野岭的分校区，附近的几个大学不是刚好自给自足就是校情同病相怜，所以在配对问题上存在着大量“硬性缺口”。总而言之一句话：同人女和GAY的天堂！
偶BF当年(好老气横秋啊)是我们这届生中文系的才子NO.1，而偶……很不巧的，是偶们法律系的才女NO.1(大汗，大概是他们乘我在班会上睡觉的时候评的 ～)，人文学院搞什么事情抓骨干我们总免不了碰头，于是，碰头1次，碰头2次……碰头N次……也不知道怎么回事就成了一对。一开始俩人都互不知底细，还一个劲的在那甲醇，死磕什么庄子李贺王国维萨特缪塞杜拉斯……
N次后，偶试探性的问他———
“你对同性恋怎么看？”
他一愣，很老实的说不是很了解，然后偶就和他死磕李银河……磕了两个下午后，他用无比崇拜的眼神看着偶说——“……我们……能不能换个话题？”
偶怒，说，这个话题你嫌没有人文内涵还是缺乏思想深度啊？
他汗，说，那倒不是，但是来来去去都是男人爱男人是不是没什么变化啊？
偶拉下脸来，说世界七千年了来来去去都是男人爱女人是不是更没什么变化啊？
他继续汗，说，可那是正常的，你这是不正常的。
偶大怒，说偶本来还当你很有人文素养的……你这个虚伪的学院派！
——他当时狂热的崇拜王小波，你骂他学院派比骂他龟孙子都严重，被女生这么说当然更加打击巨大。立刻开始反省自己如何没有解放思想如何没有“人文素养”。当然，当时他对偶的同人女恶趣味本质没有深刻认识，还天真的以为偶真的是从人文高度关注BL文化的。不过很快的他就彻底的认识了偶的邪恶本质，但时光已如肉包子打狗一般一去不回(汗，这虾米比喻？！)，他也索性破罐破摔加入了光荣的同人队伍，并且一发不可收拾，其BT程度大有青出于蓝胜于蓝的趋势 ～
事件一
在自习室里，我正在一本正经的做案例分析，BF正在一本正经的看诸子百家……
忽然，他一本正经的对我说：“原来墨子是个小受啊！”
我一愣，心说老祖宗那点BL素材我嚼得不比你熟，怎么从来没听说过墨子他老人家有什么绯闻？！忙问他语出何典。
他很得意的说 “墨子曰——‘兼爱、非攻…’——非攻，那就是受嘛！还‘兼’爱，那就不光是受，还是总受了！墨子那么多门徒，简直就是大好的下克上＋NP题材，你赶快写文啊！”
事件二
BF隔壁寝室住着政治系的一个小美男，85年生的(我至今没想通他这个学到底是怎么上法的)，妈妈是新疆人，所以他生得明眸皓齿尤其一双大眼睛顾盼生姿，长睫毛……用BF的话说：“钉墙上都可以当衣帽钩用！”呵呵总之我十分垂涎他的美色，SO有事没事就往他们寝室跑(俺们这女人精贵啊，没人会赶偶)。大概是跑得太勤，有天我BF跟我说，那个小美男不无担心的跟他反映说觉得他们寝室另外那三只狼可能会对我“居心不良”。提醒他要“看好大嫂”。
我问，那你怎么跟他说的？
BF说，我说没事，然后他就问我说你怎么就不担心呢？然后我就语重心长的对他说，其实相比于你们对大嫂如何如何，我更担心的是她对你们如何如何……
事件三
自从我恋声后，就开始对我BF看的动画片“心怀叵测”。
他看灌篮高手，我就对他说流川枫酷不酷啊？他说酷啊，我就说我这里有一个DRAMA叫纯情Boy禁猎区的，是小枫枫配的哦 ～
他看棋魂(他看的那个版本居然碟子上面印的是“一棋定江山”！晕！)，我就对他说佐为帅不帅啊？他说帅啊，我就说我这里有一个DRAMA叫toyko deep night的，是SAI配的哦 ～
他看幽游白书，我就对他说小飞影可不可爱啊？他说可爱啊，我就说我这里有一个DRAMA叫远离伊甸园的，是小飞影配的哦 ～
…………
(省略类似经历N次)
有次我问他：“最近在看哪个片？”
他笑眯眯的回答：“《大头儿子小头爸爸》！”
=_=||||||||
“你怎么不说话？我以为你联想到父子的年下攻会很兴奋的说……”
(那对父子吗？！——拜托那不是耽美片那是恐怖片！)
事件四
我经常在BF他们寝室蹭饭吃，有次他们四个人加上我从食堂买饭回来，五个人除了一个叫“花花”的哥们(典故已不可考)空着一只手外，大家都两只手占全着，但由于他手上有油，结果门把手拧了几次都没开，我BF说他口袋里有包餐巾纸，花花就伸手在他牛仔裤口袋里掏啊掏啊……
“没有啊！”
“里面！”
继续掏啊掏啊……
“还是没有啊！”
“再里面！”
仍然掏啊掏啊……
“嗯！有了——”
…………………………
………………………………………
…………………………………………………
我BF一脸扭曲的说：“你～松～手……”(=_=||||大家明白没有……就是抓到……那个·％＆￥啦！)
当时余下的我们三个BT就笑得不行了，结果共计打翻一份饭三份菜……但更BT的还在后面——
由于把我BF的饭菜打掉了，进屋以后，花花很不好意思的去拿电热锅(违章电器||||)，对我BF说：“我下面给你吃。”
我BF不知道是真BT还是装BC，一本正经的对他说：“如果是赔礼道歉的话，不是应该我下面给你吃吗？”
大家都立仆了！
(哎呀用打字的果然说不清楚——是这样的 ～花花说的‘下面’二字重音在后，是指下面条儿。而我BF说的‘下面’则重音在前……=_=||||还有没有人没明白？)
事件五
双休日，我LP从苏州跑过来看我，还拉了她新换的BF过来给我“把把关”。在小饭馆里吃完饭后(泪，当然是我请)，大家开始聊天，我LP的BF(简称Z君好了)和我BF都是CS爱好者，很快就开始在那热烈讨论起武器啊地图什么的，而我和我LP就窝在角落小声的唧唧呱呱……结帐走的时候，Z忽然很好奇的问我们俩“你们刚才在谈什么？”
我和我LP……瀑布汗。
我BF慢悠悠的对Z说 “还用问？肯定是我们两个的攻受问题。”
………
我LP狂笑的拍我肩膀说你果然调教有方！
我BF一脸有奖竞猜拿大奖的表情。
Z很不解的看着眼前的诡异三人组……||||||||||||
事件六
2004年初夏的时候，李银河奶奶巡游到我们学校来开讲座，可惜我当时在外地实习不能去听，就委托我BF务必亲临现场(其实就算我不委托他肯定也会去的)
事后他打电话给我汇报情况，说场面异常火爆，要不是他去的早，都占不到座位。
我问有没有GAY去听啊？
他爆兴奋的说 ～好多啊，满地都是！(又不是蟑螂|||||||||)还有好多外校的，肯定都是慕名而来的！
我忙说你有没有和哪个搭上话啊？
他说他去拿表格时边上有个男生（我们学校听讲座要填听课表)，刚碰了下他的手，他就一脸惊恐的直往后躲！气死我了！
我说你头发留那么长(我BF在大学里头发留到肩胛骨下面那么长)又一脸BT样，人家肯定把你当GAY了。
他气愤的说——
“把我当GAY不要紧，但起码也要把我当个有点品位的GAY吧——就他那姿色 ～我强X一头河马也不强X他啊！”
咳咳，关于那次讲座，据说还有不少LES去了。有个“貌似LES”的女生还质问李奶奶为什么只研究男同性恋，而忽视了广大妇女……而人家李×××回答也很实诚——因为我一开始就是从研究男同性恋入手，但研究有了一点成果后，来找我的都是男同性恋，我也没办法。(泪 ～人家都自己找上门来了！同人女做到您这个份上真是幸福啊！)
事件七
有天我BF很激动的一大早就跑来找我，说他早上差点被人侵犯了。我大喜(众：这什么人啊…)忙问他是上铺的山东哥们还是隔壁的体育委员？
他说他昨晚在网吧包夜，今天早上走在回学校的一条荒凉的小路上。一个民工模样的大叔一直在后面跟着他，在路过小树林的时候，忽然就窜过来，一伸手就摸他的腰(偶BF那一尺九的细腰……泪)，他一回头，那大叔反而吓了一跳，跑得比兔子还快，一路跑还一路说：“怎么是个男的？！”(一点不奇怪，那家伙瘦得一把弱柳扶风，再加上从背后看长发飘飘……骑自行车时被后面的人吹口哨也不是一次两次了)
听说大叔临阵脱逃，我兴趣顿失，我BF接着说：“当时气得我就追上去骂他……”
我一愣，说你管这闲事干吗，报告保安不就好了？
我BF恨恨的说：“可我就是不服气啊——做色狼居然还这么挑肥拣瘦！男的又怎么啦？！” 居然一副很不甘心的表情……=_=||||
事件八
“非典”那会，学校里到处都贴的抗非典标语，连澡堂门口也不例外。我和我BF看到后，他就感叹说又不是抗艾滋，干吗贴到这里来。我说贴到教室未必人人上自习，但大家总都要洗澡的，贴到这里每个人都看得见。然后我们就兴致勃勃的讨论起标语来。
我说我看过的最强的一个就是当年军训的时候，澡堂门口是兵家必争之地，贴得跟文革大字报似的，有次七连(就是我们法律系的连)贴了张巨大的“七连红旗飘扬传四海”，结果第二天就被人压了张更大的，而且切合澡堂门口的意境，简直YY得不行！当时就特崇拜那个牛人！
我BF忽然问：“是不是‘八连金枪不倒震八方’？”
我大惊，问你怎么知道？！
他说——“八连就是我们系，你怎么不知道？那个是我写的……”
(我和他是大二才认识的)
－－||||||||||||
我彻底无语了。
……难道这就叫缘分？！
事件九
(相关知识 ～男生管自慰叫打手枪=_=||||)
有次我在我BF寝室拿他手提看电影，正看着，他们寝室另一哥们(花名叫“砂锅”，典故已不可考)一边打电话一边进门来，刚进来，手机没电了，顺口就对我BF说—— “你手枪借我打一下！”
我和我BF都愣了，但还是我BF反应快，忍住笑不动声色的问：“你干吗非要打我的？”
可怜的砂锅还没反应过来，大声说：“你没看我刚打到一半吗？快点！我很急的！”
我BF很为难的说：“我不是不想借，不过有女生在，恐怕不太方便……”(我已经笑得内伤了，他居然还能装出一脸娇羞状，从那时候起我就开始佩服他的演技)
然后砂锅说了句更强的——“小气！大不了下次我的借你打就是了！”
然后我BF也撑不住了……
事件十
上文那个砂锅有一段时期不知道是看了哪部片子受了影响，张口闭口“……老子强暴你！”(让我想起野兽加藤啊)
结果以此为契机，和我那以毒舌出名的BF频频演绎出令人绝倒的对白 ～
“……老子强暴你！”
“想强暴我的人多了，你后边排队去！”(我BF已经自恋到一定地步了，有次居然还对我们系团支书反映我思想不健康，说我屡次想强暴他……昏死！我到现在都没入成党都怪他！)
“……老子强暴你！”
“我现在很忙，请速战速决，给你三十秒！”(你当是拆弹啊？)
“……老子强暴你！”
“还来？！你不是五分钟前刚刚‘强暴’过我？！当心尿中毒！”(无语……)
“……老子强暴你！”
“去死！今天老子生理期！”(……|||||||||)
其实还有好多别的的，但时隔久远(汗)我只记得几个比较经典的了。不过偶最佩服的是这个BT居然能当着我的面和男人打情骂俏还面不改色。最强的一次是我在拿他的手提打字，砂锅想借(其实是抢)电脑玩游戏，就又和我BF“吵”起来。(虽然没一次是赢的)
当时我BF刚上完体育课考长跑回来，没什么力气吵架，没两句砂锅又来 “……老子强暴你！”
我那不争气的BF居然就很自觉的往砂锅的床上一躺！还是那种大字型的躺法！然后用一种粉妩媚的口吻说：“来啊 ～我就～～不反抗……看你怎么‘强’暴！”
我当时就喷了他那可怜的显示屏一脸！
(然后砂锅反而很不好意思起来，我安慰他说 “你就当我不存在好了。”然后继续埋头打字。可怜的砂锅看了我们两个BT半天………悲愤的夺门而去……)
由于我这个大学的男女比例实在畸形，要说真的GAY那肯定也是有的，比如我们法律系“路人皆知”的就有两对，可……那模样实在是连我这样YY病情严重的都激发不出耽美情怀=_=||||
这么说罢，其中一对的二人花名分别是“大熊”和“小熊”，而另一对……用我BF的话说“那毕业照简直就是一车祸现场啊！”(对不起啦，他这人说话一向这么损……)
BL和HOMO毕竟是不一样的，对我这个美型王道的色女来说，与其去看那些“车祸现场”般的真GAY，还不如YY那些眉清目秀的孩子。不过，真的很暧昧啊～尤其是我BF寝室的四只，不是我情人眼里出潘安～是他们系的平均美貌指数最高的一个寝室，除了我BF这个正宗同人男外，另外3只在我的日夜熏陶下，也渐渐的被带坏了……
有次在BF寝室和他们看片，其中有一强X情节，男犯被判10年，砂锅就在那感叹说10秒钟的快感换来10年监禁，实在不合算。我就对他说，想要合算就去强X男人，那不算强X罪。他大惊，说怎么就这么性别歧视捏？偶教育他说强X罪的犯罪对象一定要是女性，也就是说男人强X男人不是强X罪，当然你要是强X14岁以下但那还得是猥亵儿童罪。虽然强X男人真报了案公安局不能不管，但一般也就是关几天罚点钱也就算了，相比于强X女人，那犯罪成本是相当低廉的……
砂锅沉思良久，忽然一本正经的对花花说：“不如我们来互相强X吧！”
有阵子不了解偶底细的机械系某GG打算追偶，偶吃了他好几顿麦当劳，然后告诉他偶有BF了，但此人死心眼，打算迎难而上，还送了个银手链表决心。偶拿到BF面前炫耀，岂料这不争气的东西一点表示都没有，偶进一步激他，说此GG如何如何青年才俊品学兼优如何如何家财万贯一掷千金……还没说完，一哥们(花名“小鸟”，不可考，不知道是不是那个特别小，不敢问)兴奋的对偶说 ～
“大嫂，你看我去行不行？”
偶一愣，他接着说：“我很便宜的，免费试用，包修包退，管饭就行！”
后来偶才知道，小鸟刚买了个新游戏机，已经“月光”了……
我们寝室里的女生和我BF寝室里的男生们一起去逛超市，一个女生看到安全套还有各种口味的，大惊，说这又不能用来吃，要草莓味道的干什么？小鸟就大言不惭地说在你吸我时可以增加情趣。 女生用很鄙夷的目光看着小鸟说我吸谁也不吸你啊！小鸟恼羞成怒的说谁稀罕你？我自己吸！那女生很惊讶的说你自己怎么能吸得到？
小鸟得意洋洋的说：“笨！我不会用吸管吗？”
众仆！
有次大家和那个政治系的85年小美男在他们寝室里聊天，问他年纪那么小，上面有没有哥哥姐姐。结果他摇摇头，然后他寝室那个老大(山东人，1米85，魁梧得要命，鬼畜型强攻好材料)就问那你有弟弟妹妹吗？
小美男说，我下面没有妹妹啊，不过有一个弟弟……
下面……弟弟……然后大家就开始捂着嘴偷笑。 但CJ的小美男却还毫无反应，反而问他们老大——“那你下面没有弟弟啊？”
老大是独生子，但面对大家笑到要内伤的表情，他不肯说他没有“弟弟”，于是陷入郁闷中半天不说话……不料迟钝的小美男居然还不肯放过他，很同情的对他说：“我知道了，没有就没有嘛，你不要难过了……”
众人脆生生的扑倒在地……小美男继续摸着老大的肩膀说：“……你一定是很想有一个弟弟吧！”
老大终于暴走，将小美男推倒在床上，怒曰：“我让你看看我有没有弟弟！”
众人一起起哄说上啊上啊(居然没人有同情心……泪)，但被压倒的小美男仍是一脸迷茫…………大概老大也觉得很有犯罪感，悻悻的又爬下来，说算了算了不跟小孩一般见识。
然后小美男来了句更吐血的——
“你生什么气啊，大不了我给你当弟弟好了！”
||||||||||||
还是小美男的事儿，有次他买了一笼三只珍珠熊做宠物(类似增肥版的小白鼠)，分别以寝室里另外三个男生的花名命名(汗，这影射也太明显了)，平时那三人就对小美男喂哪只比较多对哪只比较好争风吃醋不已。
不料养了不久后，有次小美男把熊熊们放在阳台上晒太阳，不幸被大风刮了下去………老大摔死了……小美男痛哭，一天没吃饭。三男竞相安慰佳人。
然后没过几天，又发生了集体食物中毒事件，老二和老三也死了。但大概有了上次的打击垫底，小美男虽然很难过但没有哭，晚饭也照吃不误，导致二男和三男大吃飞醋，质问其怎么他们死了(？)小美男就不哭，是不是和老大有一腿云云(嘿嘿偶早看出来了……)老大就很愤怒的撇清，三人几乎要动起手来，引来一堆人挤在门口看热闹～
大概觉得很丢人，小美男终于哭起来了(终于有人发现这个架吵得那叫一个无聊！)然后三人又立刻团结一心竞相安慰佳人……
大家也一哄而散，有人感慨曰：“……切！早哭不就好了吗？”
一次大家集体去唱K，花花不擅此道，但被大家醉醺醺的逼着唱，逼了良久，还是不肯，砂锅大怒：“不唱？老子强暴你！”
花花脖子一梗，抬杠道——“大爷我卖身～不卖艺！”
众仆！
学校里卫生月的时候，在大路两边沿途放了防艾滋的宣传板，很多人围着看。下课了后我和BF他们路过那里，就谈论起艾滋来，花花说搞同性恋肯定是要得艾滋病的，我BF当然不同意，就把花花拉到展板前面，上面写着艾滋病和同性恋没有必然联系，在知识层次大学以上的同性恋人群里得艾滋病的比例不到百分之三。
然后我BF指着那一行，很亲热的拍着花花的后背，大声说(肯定是故意的)：“这下你放心了吧！”
周围的人立刻用无比诡异的眼神看着花花……
据砂锅同学向我反映，花花同学的小受倾向十分严重，某晚居然听见他一边说梦话一边猛踢被子“放开我，放开我！不要～不要嘛！”
事后我很好奇的问花花到底做什么梦了，花花死也不肯说……
悬案啊！
但其实这也没什么大不了的，有回我在公共汽车上不过是急刹车抓了我BF胸部一下，这家伙居然在那扭来扭去还用绿川式的鼻音边喘边说：“ha na se！yi ta yi！”(放手！好痛！)惹的车上一帮人对偶行注目礼……偶真想找个地洞钻下去……
我BF洗完澡仰躺在床上看书，长长的头发荡在床沿上晾干。砂锅进门后先是被此等“壮观”的场面下了一跳，然后就开玩笑的拉我BF的头发，我BF支起身来瞪了他一眼，砂锅狞笑曰：“这个眼神真是既淫荡又……”他想了半天愣没想出其他形容词来，最后只好悻悻的说 “……真是既淫荡又……淫荡啊！”
从此后这帮BT动不动就说“食堂的饭菜真是既难吃又难吃啊！”“偶今天穿得真是既可爱又可爱啊！”“X老师真是既变态又变态啊！”
偶一次和BF他们一起看《美国派》，同在的还有政治系的那个小美男和他家老大，放到那个主角用苹果派自慰的时候，那CJ的小美男一时还没反应过来，问老大说那苹果派上怎么会有一个洞？！老大特尴尬，偶脸不红气不喘的说那是自慰出来的。小美男继续问怎么用苹果派自慰呢？偶开始不耐烦，就说其实你还可以试试直接拿苹果自慰(=_=||||偶说的应该是那种很小的嘎拉苹果)……然后一帮人就开始偷笑，小美男还要继续问，被他家老大一把拖走了……
次日小美男在BF寝室看到偶，忽然跟见了鬼似的拔腿就跑，边跑边喊：“老大，那个变态姐姐又来了！”
=_=||||||||||||||||
(其实我很好奇他家老大把他拖走后到底“灌输”了他些什么……他怎么就忽然能区分什么是“变态”了？！)
冬夜的某天，花花同学半夜出去上厕所，不料一阵小风刮来，把门给刮上了！花花敲了半天门都没人开(估计都睡死了)，只好跑到楼下找看门大爷要钥匙，可看门大爷也睡死了。可怜天寒地冻的，花花也不想成为冻死在新中国高校宿舍走廊的第一人，于是就迷迷糊糊的顺着墙边一路摸过去，摸啊摸啊……从二楼摸到了三楼，又从三楼摸到了四楼……终于给他在五楼摸到了没上锁的一扇门，于是就不客气的扑进去直往人家被窝里爬……
结果事后那艳福不浅的哥们每次看到花花，都直往他身上腻歪，涎笑曰“没有你的晚上好寂寞哟……”
为这件事花花郁闷了好久……
男生宿舍的共产主义程度令女生们望尘莫及，基本除了GF外都是公用的。我BF他们寝室大家的内裤啊袜子啊什么的都是晾在一个大的架子上的，而由于款式颜色的单一，穿错的事件也时有发生。
有一次砂锅同学去收衣服，结果发现自己的唯一的一条内裤不见了——唯“二”的一条已经于不久前被风刮走了——以为又被刮走了，于是在那指天痛骂，花花大惊，跑到窗边细细一看，很不好意思的说“我说我的怎么还夹在上面呢……”砂锅大怒，说我总不能穿着牛仔裤睡觉，非要花花脱下来还给他。(=_=||||他也不想想人家都穿过了他再穿什么意思啊？)花花不肯，于是被推倒在床上……=_=||||
脱…脱…反抗…反抗……牛仔裤被脱掉，脱…脱…反抗…反抗……棉毛裤被脱掉，脱…脱…反抗…反抗……(反正我们这帮BT早就没有同情心了，还在那里摇旗呐喊……)
但正在脱内裤的时候……旁的寝室的某GG进门借书——
石化……
次日几乎我们整个人文院都知道了这宗砂锅同学“强暴未遂”事件。
为这件事砂锅郁闷了好久……
有天一大早我去给我们文学社的主编大人送稿件，事先打了他电话，结果这厮居然接了电话后倒头又睡着了！害的我到了门口居然还要隔着门板再打他电话！他迷迷糊糊的说“门是坏的，你踢下右下角就开了。”我一踢——果然=_=||||(这什么门啊？！)
我进门后还喊了好几遍，主编大人才开始不慌不忙的穿衣服(||||||反正他们早就不把偶当女人看了)，穿好衣服，开始摸眼镜(此人严重近视，不戴眼镜基本就是瞎子一只)，东摸摸，西摸摸……摸了半天没摸到，于是就往床里面说“XXX，我的眼镜在不在你枕头下面？”只听嘤咛一声“自己找……”然后一颗毛茸茸的脑袋就很娇柔的(汗)枕到主编大人的肚子上把枕头腾出来……
偶当时啊 ～那个鼻血啊 ～
对偶的YY，主编大人的解释是——冬天很冷，尤其是朝北的房间。男生又不肯勤快点晒被子，往往冬天的被子就跟铁片似的。两个人睡一床被子的事实乃————“生存需要”！
花花同学选修了我们法律系的民法总论，但不料要跟着我们一块考试，而很不巧的那个老师又是BT的严，于是被关。要重考。只好跟着我们系下一届的学弟学妹们上课，结果就对我一个姓W的学妹产生了“意思”。于是拜托偶去给他说媒 ～
此MM呢，表面看乃是如假包换含羞带怯小家碧玉一只，岂料俺这个学姐一接触之下……才发现却是“血统纯正耽美狼一匹”！那个激动啊真好比红二军遇到了红四军，小溪流遇到了小河流，民兵连遇到了预备队，耽美狼遇到了耽美狼(众|||：这不废话吗？！)……于是我顿时把说媒那点小事忘了个精光和她呱叽起来！
回到BF寝室后，花花忙问她怎么说啊？偶……庐山瀑布汗，赶紧说我我我现在就打电话约她！
于是……一阵“亲啊”“抱抱”的腻歪后，偶刚想切入正题 ～
“哎呀好讨厌哦你说麻见到底是喜欢小秋还是飞龙啊？”
顿时——偶又选择性失忆……………“哈哈哈我挺喜欢小秋的。”
“我还是想要麻见和飞龙在一起。”
“你喜欢强攻强受啊？”
“四啊四啊！”
“干脆麻见和飞龙一起攻小秋好了！”
“对啊，其实3P也不错啊！”
“本来我就很看好3P的！”
…………
终于，我想起了可怜的花花同学，于是“对了，我这边有个男生很想认识你哎！
嗯？=_=||||人呢？！哦，算了，哈哈…我刚才没说什么！”
花花的暗恋就这么夭折了……
事后，他沉痛的对我说：“我们寝室有你一个同人女已经够了……”
这次的主角是会计系一位仁兄(简称S君)，由于我BF寝室花花不会打麻将，其余三人“三缺一”就经常拉上这位。一次四人打完麻将出去喝酒(偶也跟着蹭饭去鸟)，S君家境贫寒，却酷爱大鱼大肉，难得有白食可吃，于是大醉而归。我们将他搀回寝室，刚进门他就扑倒在床——可问题是那不是他的床！
床上那位倒霉的家伙(简称L君)由于感冒正在卧病，S君醉醺醺的抱着小L，还不停的在他胸上乱摸，嘟囔说“这是我的，这是我的……你们不要和我抢！”(大家都在看好戏，没人打算和你抢)
悲愤的小L屡次欲起身，但每次刚刚抬头就被酒精混合肾上腺素化身禽兽的S君狠狠压下去，如是N番，小L面色潮红眼角含泪，看上去甚是楚楚可怜，终于大家也觉得很不好意思，于是就上前拖开S君，不料S君力大无穷，不但不撒手，还死死抱住小L在其胸前蹭来蹭去啃来啃去……可怜小L就穿一破背心，两点贞操就此沦丧……
次日我们打趣S君，却不料他已将昨夜“玷污”小L的事忘了个精光！被大家斥之为“始乱终弃”。
另外，据说小L此后养成了睡觉必穿套头棉毛衫的好习惯……
我们学校的教务大楼一楼有一个公示区橱窗，没有锁，专门用来贴学生的一些投诉意见。比如食堂的肉汤里居然连续三天看到同一块猪骨头啦，自习室里用书本占位子现象严重啦，学校不该把校门口卖煎饼果子的大妈赶走啦……总之什么乱七八糟的都有。
有次我又在那钻研国计民生，看到一个帖子投诉说——“3XX教室最近每晚都有一对狗男男在里面约会，此等伤风败俗之举不但致使其他莘莘学子无法自习，而且这种同性恋行为还对学校里其他正常同学造成极坏影响，希望教务处予以抓捕……”
偶第一反应就是打算晚上去3XX去参观，第二反应就是拉开橱窗门在那个帖子旁白处加批写道：“1。教室不让待你难道要把同性情侣都赶到小树林里去打野战才有利于精神文明建设？！2。教务处又不是司法机关有什么权力“抓捕”？！3。你说抓捕就抓捕是你大还是XXX(教务处长)大啊？！”
但晚上偶埋伏了半天都没有看到传说中的“狗男男”，估计是转移阵地了。
次日发现那个帖子上又多了N多批注 ～
“我支持你们！——富有正义感的路人甲”
“你是眼红人家小俩口吧！”
“你把你GF送给我我高兴搞玻璃啊？”
“楼上怎么说话的？我就觉得男生比女生好，女生太麻烦。”
“同意路人甲！——富有正义感的路人乙”
……
………
我那个乐啊，当时就想把这张纸撕下来留作纪念，但想想觉得不太文明就算了，不料第三天再去看的时候已经被人捷足先登收藏掉了……那个后悔啊5555
有次在BF寝室，他忽然跟我说：“我和花花合买了一个避孕套，你要不要看看？”
我大惊，心说怎么你居然瞒着我和他都发展到这一步了？！但我看一边的花花神色坦然，好像又不太像，于是小心翼翼的问BF：“那个……为什么要合买啊？”
“因为是大家一起用啊！”
我想居然这种事还分那么清楚！很不屑的说：“下次要用跟我说好了，我买一打送你们！”
花花说：“那个是三年质保的！”
我一愣，说：“不都是一次性的吗？”
终于……我BF反应过来，狂笑着从电脑后面拿出一个低音炮(音箱)来……
偶晕了……
我在我BF寝室听DRAMA《玫瑰人生》时，一脸很YY的表情，然后小鸟很好奇的问我在听什么，我说听故事，他说听什么故事，我就简明扼要的说：“有一个很可怜的小受，遇到他同母异父的两个弟弟，被XX了，然后又被他们的爸爸XX了，最后就大家在一起XXXX了……”
然后只见小鸟一脸诡异的淫笑出门去了，过了一会，我到水房洗脸，只见小鸟在那一边洗衣服一边对某男生说：“……不料他弟弟的爸爸也把他那什么了，真是好惨！”
“然后呢？”
“然后又来一个弟弟……”
“然后呢？”
“唉！不料那个弟弟还有一个爸爸……”
……
……偶无语了！
一天我们听说附近一大学的小树林里发生了民工对约会的大学生情侣打劫事件——男的劫财，女的劫色。据说那男生还是足球队队长，人高马大的。砂锅就感慨说如今犯罪的技术要求越来越低，他都能干。我就激他说有本事你今天去试试。一听说要打劫，他们寝室那帮BT一个个都来了劲，纷纷嚷着也要去。于是一帮人晚上就心怀鬼胎的跑到后山树林蹲点。
不知道是不是害怕前车之鉴，那天来的情侣特别少，等了半个多小时终于在昏黄的灯光下自远处来了隐隐绰绰的一对……
见机不可失时不再来我们就忽而嘿哟一掌把砂锅推了出去……不料这厮跑近跟前观望了一阵又得得得的跑了回来，一脸鄙夷的对我们说——
“唉，那个……我能不能女的劫财，男的劫色？”
大伙立仆！
我们学校后门通往公交车站的地方有一个园子，叫做“栎园”，但被N多新时代的大学生们很文盲的读做“乐园”=_=||||，不过由于此处位置荒凉地形复杂，经常被一些情侣作为约会场所，实不愧“乐园”之名。尤其有一处假山，其腹中空，冬暖夏凉，更是幽媾佳处。被大家戏称为“小时房”=_=||||
有次我去乘公交车，路过“乐园”，光天化日居然看见有俩男生一起钻进了“小时房”！大惊之后是狂喜，马上打手机把我BF和那个W学妹叫来，然后把情况这么一说，三人就粉激动的扑到假山外面，可谁也不好意思进去……就干坐在那YY(事后想来真是后悔死了，但我BF安慰我说万一人家办事办到一半我们冲进去造成小攻就此不举小受就此性冷淡……那就造孽了)
总之我们等啊等啊，大概等了有半个小时，终于那两个人出来了……看到等在“门”口的我们就愣住了，然后我们5个人就大眼瞪小眼石化了半天……
我吭哧吭哧半天，狞笑着憋出一句：“你们两个……”
他们打量着我们仨，也诡笑着憋出一句：“你们三个……”
我们一愣，他们做了个“请”的手势，就嘻嘻哈哈的跑掉了——这时我们才悟到：敢情他们把我们当成3P在这“排队”的了……
郁闷！
偶想起大一军训刚回来，偶一男性朋友就跟偶说，因为军训的时候一群男生夜间长时间没办法和女生接触，就纷纷地开始……
他十分来劲的跟我说，他们班某某某个长相清秀、皮肤白皙的男生在熄灯以后被人如何如何骚扰，用词极端猥琐。
8过偶听得颇为兴奋，然后偶就问他：“是不是你也摸上人家床了。”
他马上否认，表情那叫一个失落。。
正当偶刚想对他表示同情的时候，此大哥又幽幽的冒出一句话，听了以后偶当时就喷了。。
他说：“有人摸上我的床了……”
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